wtf?

yeah thanks for chatting with me today for a whole nineteen minutes really appreciate the effort; thanks for telling me that you were pissed off with the choices you'd made because now you had to live with your in-laws or in a poky small flat with her and your baby and not even thinking for one fucking microsecond that i might want to hear that some small tiny part of your pissed-offness might be because you missed me in your life in your dreams in your thoughts; thank you for talking about football as if it fucking mattered and thank you for continuing to talk about football as if it fucking mattered even after i told you i couldn't care less; thanks for being so interested when i told you i was pissed off that you didn't even ask why not of course that there was much opportunity to in the nineteen minutes really, not when i was there to provide a witty and pointed and stimulating counterpoint to your fucking everyday life and thanks for appreciating so much that your life would suck without me so much you still want to dump on me even though you would hate to admit that your life would suck without me i have fucking songs in my brain again but it's probably better than my thoughts; thank you Sinead for giving me the lines; thank you for breaking my heart thank you for tearing me apart now I've a strong, strong heart thank you for breaking my heart... thank you for showing me again what a fucking idiot i am to think of better times, to think of you, to think...

each time...

I think I am safe still, safe from being drawn back in to actively yearning for you.  You log in on your "secret" ID, known only to me, just so you can chat with me.  I sort of want to be just friends now, but I still want you to lose your reason over me.  Among other things.  So you grow hard as you pick up on my inneundo, your pants bulge in your mother in law's study while you talk to me and then you tell me it is only your cock taking over your brain.  And that, honestly, you do respect that I have a brain...

For someone

For someone who always said that her own opinion mattered more to her than other people's, she sure spent alot of time seeking affirmation. 

For someone who claimed immunity to charm school chat-up lines she sure ended up on her back with a lot of guys who were all talk.

For someone who could sparkle with life when the mood hit her she made sure she was not in the mood with isolation and alcohol.



She wanted to be for someone.  But nobody knew that.  Not even her.